Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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