that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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