some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
