the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
