Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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