Too much gin, very little bucket
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
