I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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