I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
