I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
