brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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