dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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