yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
