My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
