When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
