I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize