I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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