he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
