Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
