I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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