And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
