When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
