My room smells like vodka and shame
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
