Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
