I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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