i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
