please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Randomize
