apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
