my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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