He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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