Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
