So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
