Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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