dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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