I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
