He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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