I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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