i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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