I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
