what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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