My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
