Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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