i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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