Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
