two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
