I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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