don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
