i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
