whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
