so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
