i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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