you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
