it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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