I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
