did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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